Crash and Burn

Yours truly on losing what family I had left and other fun stuff that's going through my mind.

Nothing two valium and half a bottle of red wine can't fix though.

It's been a while since my last post. So where were we? It was the beginning of January, and the flavor of the month was "Hopeful".
I went to the unemployment agency, and immediately got a date in March for the entrepreneureal programm I wanna join. Good times.
Then I went looking for some chill part time job for pocket money, really. Found one to, thanks to my friend A. It's a little take away place for soup, basically I feed people and do deliveries in the immediate area, it's nice and easy and just busy enough. While working, I don't get to think much, neither about my leg or any other stuff. But anyway, getting the job was weird - or let's just say oddly timed, 'cause A. was let go from there right after I started. No corelation between the two though. Other than that (and me breaking my pinkie which has kept me from working, but that's another story) everything in that whole department is awesome.

Two days ago, I turned 28. Which I haven't really thought about, at all. I don't mind it, I had a really nice day and that was that, really. Yesterday, I went to the dentist and then visited my uncle. My favorite uncle. My godfather. My favoritest relative ever. Coming to it now, I actually don't think I wanna go there. Not yet. Let's just say it was awful and I fled the scene bawling uncontrollably, fetching a cab, sobbing all the way home just to collapse crying on my bathroom floor.
Some valium and sweet red wine ended up calming me - after about four hours of more bawling, sobbing and crying. I even screamed. Painstakingly. Scarily. Loudly. Just once though - yet surprisingly liberating!

I haven't felt much today. Which is probably because of the valium. I joke about it a lot, but I only take it when necessary, last time was half of one on December 31 2010 (which means don't worry and don't even think about getting on my case about it). Enough with the uncalled for justifications. I'm glad I'm not feeling anything other than a slight restlessness that reminds me not all is well. But if I concentrate on silly tasks or typing, for example, I can blend that out pretty well.

Watching denial in action? Well, I believe I am old enough and have seen my share of bullshit - so that I recognize a lost cause when it slaps me in the face. Not necessarily while it's reaching back, or while it's gaining momentum - but when it hits me, I know.
Hey there, Lost Cause. I know I'm a die hard-idealist trying hard to keep the faith, but you done showed me, yessir, you did. My ears are ringing to the melancholy tune of Forlorn Hope, my cheeks burning with parching disappointment.

I watched last night's episode of America's Next Supermodel. They did a bit with the models where they had to draw their own worst critic whose role was then assumed by an acting coach. The girls then had to convince their critic as well as face their own worst insecurities. I thought of my therapist, that probably wouldn't be a bad exercise for me.
I went to thinking, what the awful things are my pundit would throw my way and couldn't picture myself contering.

You're not precious enough to preserve. You don't deserve a loving or protective presence in your life. You are immediately responsible for everyone in your surrounding and you continuously fall short of meeting those responsibilities, thus only escalating the burden you constitute to others. You are guilty. There is no redemption. You don't deserve to live.

Umm. In a nutshell, those are the words. What do you say to that?