Legends of the Fall

I just noticed my last post was in September, so maybe a little update won't hurt. Dark times, during autumn. You could say the attacking things were attacking me pretty bad.
A few days after my last blog entry, I was informed that my boss, who also happens to be my aunt who also happens to have told everyone I was the daughter she never had, was letting me go while I was on sick leave. Coincidentally, this happened immediately after I wrote her I was hoping to return to work very soon.
Now, if ya think during all those months of me being sick with depression, my loving auntie checked on me even once - via phone, e-mail or even in person, you're wrong. She chose to be pissed at me.
I took it pretty hard. At the time, things weren't looking too good - my mom's husband wasn't replying, I was running out of money and perspective plus suddenly, I was out of a job and fucked over harshly by a family member and one of the few people I still let myself remain close to. On top of that, my antidepressants still weren't working.
Desperate, I bid my time. Then I got some money from my mom's husband, enrolled in an animal psychology course and started concentrating on the changes ahead, especially the positive opportunities they presented. Change scares the shit out of me.
But currently, I've absolved three of my twelve monthly dog psychology weekend-seminars. I've applied for unemployment money and if everything goes right, they'll put me in this nine month entrepreneureal programm teaching everything essential for self-employment. As soon as winter break ends, I am contacting the veterinary university because next fall, it will offer anthrozoology as a BA-study. Since that would be right up my ally, I would spend the spring semester getting a college-license (sorta like a GED, but only sorta), taking my business-classes and my monthly weekend-seminars. By September, I could study while being self-employed. Awesomeness. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Please.
I could really need a few things going my way.

regrets, 2010-edition

A while back, my friend A. blogged about self-doubts and regrets, asking about others' experiences. She talks about jealousy as she watches other people living her dreams of going places (both figuratively and literally) - something I could relate to so well that I have put off contemplating my own regrets 2010-edition.
Where A. looks at the big picture of her life, I try not to. I do have a regret-list that doesn't change much, therefore, concentrating solely on 2010 would be the more sensible thing. But since this blog is about sharing my struggle and doing the "easy" thing is boring, I'ma startcha off by sharing the Top 3 regrets of my lifetime. (As a huge High Fidelity-Fan, I attempted a Top 5 only to find there's only three I can successfully castigate myself with. Works like a charm, every time.)

#1
Leaving Austria at fourteen.
Yeah, adult-me knows there's not much teen-me could have done other than running away and hiding long enough to miss the flight. Regrets are never rational, though. If they were, we wouldn't waste time hurting ourselves contemplating them.

#2
Leaving Austria again at fifteen.

#3
Losing Balu.
This could also read: letting my best friend's feelings for me fuck up any possibility of us ever being friends again. Long story. Lots of petty little regrets rolled up into one big one that's probably gonna ache forever. And I believe it should.

There are a few Could-Haves after returning to Austria, that would have taken me somewhere more respectable or whatever you wanna call it. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Ultimately, back when I was at those crossroads, I didn't want to go any other way than the one I chose. And if I found myself there again, I still wouldn't want to go anywhere else.
Yeah, back when I gratuated High School, everybody thought I was gonna be some big shot reporter. If you judge me by my yearbook entries, I'm a failor because I am not well on my way to becoming a news anchor. Then again, that was my chosen profession back in the States. Yeah, journalism was my thing then - and for the past six years, I have been making my money writing. Sure, it was for a bullshit technical speciality-magazine, but I flew to quite a few press conferences in Germany, slept in nice hotels and, again, made my money writing. Awesomeness.
Sure, my boss was a pain for a whole lot of reasons, the least of them her unability to filter before speaking. (Seriously, at one point or another, I'ma hold a seminar on the importance of Filtering. It's almost never ever overrated.) But my dog came to work with me every day.
Since my High School Diploma wasn't recognized here in Austria, I attempted to get my Austrian GED. Very half-heartedly. Never wanted it, but I let people talk me into signing up at that school I never ended up going to. 'cause I didn't want to. And my boyfriend lived next door and fucking seemed a lot more exciting than being taught English as a foreign language when you've basically become a native speaker.
So I could have a GED, and if I had it, I could have gone to college. But, there really weren't any majors I was interested in. I found something now though and hopefully, I shall start my studies next fall (knock on wood again, please!). And if I'd gone to college to study something I didn't particularly care for, by now I'd have a degree and therefore, maybe my father would love me. But, other than my starting salary at any new firm, that's really the only thing that would be better, had I gotten my GED and studied something.

No, I'm glad I made the choices I made since I've come back. Because I can say that I have stayed true to myself. Sadly, at 27 I don't know a whole lot of people anymore who can honestly say that about themselves.

As for jealousy or envy - quite an interesting subject, actually. What makes me bitter isn't watching others succeed professionally or societally while I myself am struggling with whatever it is I struggle with at the time. 'cause I know I'm not failing, not doing nothing. I'm just doing something else. Because I think different. Because I am different. And I wouldn't really want it any other way.
I am, however, envious of those people who have screwed me over not getting their money's worth from Karma. Turns my stomach learning that certain people are having good things happen to them or simply getting away with their shit unharmed while I'm hurting because of their deeds. But, this world ain't just - and if it is, it likes to take its sweet time, occasionally.

On to current regrets, as this post's title refers to the year 2010.
I wish I had spoken up about my unbearable work situation sooner. Even though everything is well on its way to turning out okay for me (knock on wood!), it woulda saved me a whole lot of throwing up as well as quite a bit of emotional stress. You live, you learn though.
Next up on my list of contemporary regrets is that there's a whole lot of shit I shoulda worked through in the past. It caught up with me this summer, but at least now I'm dealing with it.

I dunno. A. did this whole positive-outlook-thing.
Me, I always wanted to live without regrets. And other than my Top 3, I've managed pretty well. I'm not as big on self-doubt as A. is. Which, of course, is easily explained by the fact, that all my life, everyone around me has given me plenty of cause to doubt pretty much everything around me. If you're moving around so much, you don't remember which cupboard the coffee mugs are kept in, you quickly learn not to take anything too basic for granted. Growing up with a crazy mother, I needed to become my own compass. For the most part, I think I've managed pretty well.
I have inherited her paranoia to some extent, sure. But I only take it out on myself, constantly assuring myself of the fact that I am not becoming insane like her. But self-doubt? What good would that do?

At any rate, a lot of shit has happened this year. I don't really regret any of it though, especially since none of it was really my doing. In a way, I now believe everything happened the way it did, so I can kick off 2011 without a whole lot of baggage but with a lot of opportunities I want to pursue, instead.